His arguments: they are going to get married whether or not they live together, so “what’s the big deal?”; he wants to make sure they get along well enough to get married; he does not want to get married before he completes his graduate degree, which would postpone their marriage for at least two years, possibly four.

Her arguments: statistics show a higher divorce rate for couples who have cohabitated before marriage; she already stays over at his apartment every weekend, so he should know what it is like to live with her; cohabitation is essentially pretending to have a marriage, without the stability of commitment. Furthermore, they have not had sex yet, but that would undoubtedly become a part of their relationship if they decided to live together for several years before marriage. Her parents would be very disappointed with the arrangement. She is afraid it will prevent him from having to take the leap into marriage, thus they will never actually get married. Also, she is unable to shake the fear of failing to meet his standards. If he needs to test a marriage before committing to it, what behaviors may send him running for the door?

I tried to give her advice, but was unable to give her concrete answers from my own knowledge. I decided to research this topic for my paper so I could find out the truth about cohabiting in preparation for marriage. I will try to address each point brought up by both parties, and find out who is right according to people who are able to shed much more light on this subject than I.

First, I want to provide a bit of information on the subject. The definition of cohabitation is to live together as husband and wife without legal or religious sanction (marriage).  An estimated 60 to 80 percent of couples will live together before they get married, so to say this is not a topic that the majority of couples will have to think about or deal with would be very naïve.

The main purpose for cohabiting before marriage for many couples, and the main one in my friends’ case, is to “test drive” what the marriage would be like before deciding to follow through with any real commitment. Basically, in their minds, they want to give their possible future marriage the best chance for success. Unfortunately, from my research, I have found that there seems to be a very real link between cohabitation and a higher separation rate — whether before or after marriage. One study showed that out of 100 dating couples who lived together, 85% broke up before or after their wedding.  Another study found that only 53 % of couples who live together even get married. The percentage of couples marrying from a second and third cohabitation relationship is even lower.  With all results tallied, it seems clear that cohabitation strongly correlates with separation, not “the best chance for success.”

One concept that I began thinking about and started researching is the idea of commitment versus promise. What would enable a human being to commit to another of its kind? What differentiates commitment from a sole promise to be together? Commitment is proven true by not only a promise, but by action.  A commitment does not merely promise faithfulness, it delivers faithfulness throughout the course of two lives. I wonder, then, how it could be possible to “try out” such a promise; how could a trial run ever be equivalent to marriage? They cannot be the same thing. Commitment takes work; promises are just words. One man described promise and commitment in fantastic ways: “Promise is a verbally stated future intention to perform a specific act; commitment is both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs” (Steele2). I know which one I would prefer. A promise is signing a lease together saying you will pay rent.  A commitment is more than a contract; it is a way of living, and it affects every decision that you make.

I would argue that there are other ways to test a relationship; ones that do not involve cohabitation.  Couples counseling would be an excellent way to get unbiased advice and opinions on your compatibility — as well as to work through any issues that exist that would only escalate by living together.

A fabulous wrap up by author Michael Foust says, “Cohabitation has a high failure rate because it’s based on selfishness. ‘If you make me feel loved, then I might marry you. If you make me happy, then I might marry you.’ Love and marriage is an investment, and cohabitation is a gamble. Cohabitation is conditional; marriage is based on permanence. These are radically different psychological premises. True love is selfless—seeking only to serve the other person. Cohabitation is based on selfishness—‘How will this relationship satisfy me?’”

Returning to my roommate and her boyfriend, I feel more prepared to evaluate their situation. It is my opinion that they should not live together before marriage. They are viewing the option to cohabit as a “trial run” for their marriage, clearly lacking true commitment. Without that commitment, I do not believe that they have a high chance of a truly lasting relationship. Commitment is the real issue, not cohabitation. Couples who show commitment through both behavior and attitude possess what is necessary for a lasting relationship. They won’t need this “trial run” on marriage that only hurts their chances of making their relationship last a lifetime.

-Kristen Hallberg, Intern for Amplify

I got my information from these sources:

Foust, Michael. “Living Together before Marriage a Statistical Risk”.5/15/10

Maier, Bill. “Dr. Bill Maier on Cohabitation”. Focus on the Family. 5/15/10

“Marriage Preparation and Cohabitating Couples.” United States Catholic Conference(1999).5/15/10

McCarthy, Ellen. “Force of Cohabit: Making or Breaking a Marriage?”. The Washington Post. 5/15/10

Morse, Jennifer. “The Problem With Living Together”. Focus on the Family. 5/15/10

Steele, David. “What is Commitment in Relationships?”. 5/15/10

Tracy, Amy. “Cohabitation as a Means to Marriage”. Focus on the Family. 5/15/10

RAM model

So the 5 different ways that people bond are:

1.) KNOW- The more you know about a person and the more they know about you-the more bonded you are. (People love to have relationships with people who really know them)

2.)TRUST-The more that you trust a person-the more you feel bonded to them. (Trust is huge because these days its really hard to trust so when you actually trust someone you feel very bonded to them.)

3.) RELY-Reliance has to do with testing out the trust you have in a person.  An example would be relying on someone to keep something a secret.  If they do keep the secret after you trust them, then your reliance on them would go up. Obviously this is another way to bond.

4.) COMMIT-When you commit to any level in a relationship you are bonding to them.  If you get engaged, you are bonding yourself more than if you choose to become boyfriend/girlfriend.  But making dating official is also bonding you.

5.)TOUCH-The last way people bond is through touch.  The more touch there is, the more bonding occurs.  So obviously when two people have sex they become more bonded.  There is actually a bonding hormone called oxytocin that is released during sexual activity.

So bonding is a very good thing, if you are bonding to a healthy person.  Bonding that occurs between an unhealthy person can be harmful.  We want to make sure that we are only bonding with people who will be positive influences in our lives.  The way we can protect ourselves is to be in the safe zone.  This means that:

*you never trust someone more than you know them

*you never rely on someone more than you trust them

*you never commit to someone more than you can rely on them

*and lastly you never touch someone more than you are committed to them

In the end we say that the KNOW is the most important because it is the foundation for all of the other areas of bonding.  If you save touch and commitment for after you have spent a good time getting to know the person than you will already know whether or not you should trust and rely on them.  We want to bond to people who are healthy and we feel that this is a safe way to do so

1.       Trustworthy:  Finding a friend that is trustworthy is like finding a gem.  A person who is trustworthy is a person that you can trust and be confident in.  They are a person who is reliable.  They are a person that will be faithful to you whether or not you are with them or not.  They speak kindly about you, always do what they say they will, and keep their promises to you.

2.       Selfless:  This is one of my favorite terms.  It means the opposite of selfish.  A selfless person is someone who puts others above  themselves.  They don’t choose to always be first or have their way.  They are someone who seeks to love others and make them happy.  Imagine two selfless people being friends.  Chances are they would have a wonderful friendship because they would always be thinking of the other person first.

3.       Good Communicator:  Relationships take work.  Having a friend who can communicate well is a huge bonus to a friendship.  It is necessary to be able to talk about your feelings when seeking to have a healthy relationship.  A person who can be honest and communicate what they are feeling will really help you learn how to love that person better.  For example if you are best friends with someone and they feel hurt by something you said, wouldn’t you rather they tell you so you can work it out rather than them just ignore it and grow bitter inside?  I know that my friendships that are the best are the ones where we communicate with each other whether or not it’s easy or hard.

4.       Forgiving:  Finding a friend who knows how to forgive is something that I always am looking for.  We as humans are imperfect so learning how to have a friendship with another imperfect human takes time.  It also takes knowing how to forgive.  I appreciate my friends who have grace on me when I don’t go through with something I said I would.  They also are honest with me though about how it made them feel when I didn’t go through with what I said.  For me to be a good friend would be making sure that it doesn’t happen again.  Don’t take someone forgiving you lightly.  Make sure to fix whatever you were forgiven for!

5.       Loyal:  My best friend is one of the most loyal people I have ever met.  She would do anything for me.  She always talks well about me and would be there for me in a second.  She doesn’t ditch me for guys or take advantage of me.  Having a friend who you know will be consistent is something that I have not found all that often.  When you find a friend who is loyal you know that you can make it through most things that come your way.

In conclusion, I believe these are some great qualities that make a good friend.  I would encourage you to take a look at yourself and see if these are qualities that you possess.  Also I would keep your eyes open to see if your friends possess these qualities.  You want friendships that are healthy, uplifting, and lasting.  For those of you who have already found friends with these qualities, hold onto them and don’t let them go.  Go above and beyond to be a good friend back.  Good friends are a beautiful thing!

Growing up in a house full of boys was crazy to say the least.  My brothers are 4 and 5 years older than me.  They always had friends over and I felt like all of my activities had to do with going to their school, music, and sporting events.  As I look back I realize though how fortunate I was to be able to be a part of it all.  Now that I am older, my two brothers are honestly my best friends.  They are the ones who know me the best and I truly believe that they would do anything for me.  I trust them completely and don’t know what I would do if anything happened to them.  Even though we used to fight and drive each other crazy, it has really turned out to be two beautiful friendships.  Here are some key things that have really worked to keep our relationships so healthy:

1.       Make time for each other:  Whether you feel like it or not, I feel that spending time together is essential.  Plan some fun events to do such as playing cards, baking cookies, or going to a movie.  Showing your brother or sister  that you are willing to put all other things aside to spend time with them will really enhance your relationship

2.       Communicate: Taking the time to talk with your sibling is extremely important.  Not only would it be great to talk about all the positive things going on in their lives, but also the hard things.  Learning to be there for each other is beneficial.  Also learning how to communicate about how you are feeling in your relationship with them.  I always do my best to tell my brothers when I appreciate something or when something they said/did hurt my feelings.

3.       Listening:  Learning to communicate is one step, but the second step is listening.  You need to be willing to listen to how your sibling is feeling, even if you don’t agree with them.  If they feel hurt by you it doesn’t matter what happened, what matters is that they feel hurt.  Do your best to focus more on their feelings and be quick to apologize.  Siblings seem to always try to justify their actions, but maybe try just saying sorry and see how that changes their response.

4.       Remembering:  It is important to remember the important things going on in their lives like birthdays, big projects, or special events they are participating in.  I always do my best to plan out my week to be a part of the things that are important to my brothers.  If you can’t physically be there, do your best to write them a note to let them know that you are thinking about them.

5.       Being Trustworthy:  Treat your sibling with respect as you would treat your friend.  If your sibling tells you something in confidence, don’t go blabbing it to the whole family.  Be a faithful friend and don’t take the fact that they are your sibling no matter what for granted.  Also be on time and do what you said you would do with them, the way you would for a friend.

6.       Honesty:  Something that has really been huge in my brothers and I having a healthy relationship has been honesty.  We have promised to always watch out for each other and be honest with each other, even if it’s hard to hear.  There have been times when my brothers have told me that the way I was acting was not kind.  They also have given me hard opinions about boyfriends I dated who were not the best for me.  Being willing to be honest with your sibling is a good thing, but also be willing to listen to their honesty to you.

In conclusion, the relationships you have with brothers and sisters are a beautiful thing even if you can’t see it right now.  The fact that they are always there can be hard, but really it’s the best part.  They will always be your sibling.  Take advantage of the fact that you have been given a person who will be a part of your life long term.  Some siblings grow apart as they become adults.  Some of the best friendships I have seen are the ones between siblings who put in the effort to be close and have a healthy relationship.  My challenge to you is to go above and beyond to show your siblings how much you truly do love them.  Even when you don’t feel like loving them-do it anyway J

Her best friend, we’ll call her “Amber,” decided in the past few years that relationships weren’t that big of a deal.  She always said that they come and go and people shouldn’t make such a big deal out of them.  She started partying as well and really started to change in her morals.  All of these changes really worried my friend, but she wouldn’t listen to anyone.  “Amber” ended up falling for a guy at a bar. He was much older and was always flirting with her.  She really liked the attention she got from him and thought that he was really cute.  One day she decided to wait up for him until he was done with work (he was a bartender at the bar). They went in the back alley and he kissed her.  She saw that he had a ring on his finger, but decided to ignore it because she really liked him.  Over time he asked her if she wanted to go to his house.  She decided that she wanted to.  He wanted to have sex with her so she decided, why not?  “Amber” asked him if he had any STD’s and of course he said, “No!” She ended up sleeping with him and about an hour later she heard a knock on the door.  It was none other than his wife.  His wife was extremely angry and demanded to see who this “other girl” was.  “Amber” tried to sneak past the wife, but the wife grabbed her and looked her in the eye and said, “You can have him.  And you might want to go see if he gave you the same gift he gave me.”  She got really nervous and decided to go get tested for STDs.  One test came back positive.  She had herpes.  Herpes is an incurable virus that causes sores and blisters on a person’s private parts. It can be extremely painful and embarrassing.  This girl made one decision after another and is now stuck with a virus that she will never be able to get rid of.  So what could she have done to prevent this?

After hearing this story, I can see many ways that “Amber” could have made better choices.  First of all, you should never go home with someone that you just met.  Secondly, once she noticed his wedding ring, she should have realized that he was proving to be untrustworthy. He was cheating on his wife!  Yet she nevertheless trusted him when he said he didn’t have an STD — is it much of a surprise that that was a lie too? If she would have realized that he was not trustworthy, then maybe she wouldn’t have had sex with him and contracted an STD. Lastly, this story shows how easy it is to contract an STD.  It only takes one time of engaging in sexual activity with a carrier of an STD to contract the disease. Studies show that 25% of sexually active high school students have an STD, and 50% of college students.  It is so important to be careful with your body and your relationships.  The best way to ensure that you do not get an STD is through abstinence, and the best way to avoid a jerk, like the bartender, is to take time to develop a real relationship before jumping to sexual activity.

Here at Amplify we encourage healthy relationships.  Often students ask us how they can find healthy relationships and keep them healthy.  We encourage our students to save sex for marriage, which can often be difficult if they find themselves in certain tempting situations.  This article is a guide for some good dating ideas to help keep your relationship healthy and strong.  Many teens who are dating find themselves in circumstances that could lead to falling into temptation like being alone in a dark basement.  Here are some good dating ideas to allow you to enjoy each other’s company, get to know each other better, and avoid tempting situations:

1.       Game Nights:  One thing I have always enjoyed doing is game nights.  My friends and I love to get a group of people together to play games like Taboo, Catch Phrase, and Mafia.  When I had a boyfriend we found that it was a really fun thing to do game night together.  I loved being able to see my boyfriend interact with our friends and also enjoyed how fun it was to play games. It is important to make sure to be choosing healthy games unlike spin the bottle, etc.

2.       Mini Putt:  I love mini-putt because it is a chance to enjoy being outside on a nice summer night.  It also is a really good chance to get to know each other without just sitting across from each other.  I love to make a bet and say that whoever wins has to buy ice cream.  Notice I said that whoever wins has to buy. J  Choosing to do things outside in public is always a great choice.

3.       Cake-Baking:  This is a great activity for a group or double date.  You can have a contest to see who can make the best cake.  My best friend and I loved doing this with our boyfriends and friends. Buying creative decorations to use adds flair to the activity.

4.       Bike Riding/Rollerblading:  This is a really fun activity because you get to be outside, get to know each other, and get exercise.  I think this kind of activity can really lighten the mood and allow the two of you have a fun time.  My boyfriend and I would have races, visit cool places, and ride to coffee/ice cream.

5.       Volunteering:  This is probably my favorite dating activity.  I love the idea of going on a date where you spend your day or night serving others.  This is always a really good way to see who the other person is.  I love watching the way people interact with others who are in need.  This also is something that will not only be fun for the two of you, but it will also benefit others.  Some good volunteer options would be working with kids, soup kitchens, or just helping a neighbor with some lawn work. J

There are a lot of other healthy activities to participate in whether you are dating, going on dates, or are just friends.  I hope that these give you some ideas on how to keep your relationship out of temptations, while still being really fun.  The key is to put yourself in places that will encourage positive interactions between the two of you.

This is a really great question.  Getting to know someone  definitely takes time.  It is easy to feel like you know someone even if it has only been a short time. You may spend an entire week with someone and talk a lot — but does that mean you really know them?  Also, you may spend a lot of time emailing, facebooking, or talking on the phone, but how do you really know if they are who you think they are?  These are all way to get to know someone, but hopefully after reading this you will have a good idea of what types of things help you to really know someone, and how you go about getting to know those things.

Let’s start with which things you should know about a person.  All people are very complex: full of stories, personalities, pasts, and hopes for the future.  John Van Epp, who wrote the book that we base our curriculum on, came up with the following acronym on what to get to know about a person: FACES — Family, Actions of the Conscience, Compatibility, Examples of Past Relationships, and Skills (relationship).  I really like this because all 5 of those areas are very important.

Knowing about a person’s family really helps you to understand why they may act/believe in certain ways.  It also may shape the way they may want to shape their own family.  If they have had difficult things within their family, it will also help you to understand why they may respond negatively to a certain circumstance.

I think seeing the way someone has acted in relationships in the past is very helpful as well.  While I believe that people can change, their past will still affect them whether for the better or for the worse.  Change takes time, so if someone says that they have changed, but it has only been a week, I would give them more time to actually prove it.

Seeing that a person has good relationship skills is key.  Do they have good insight into how their actions are affecting others?  Can they communicate/listen? Are they easily angered?  All of these are good questions to ask when getting to know someone.  I also think getting to know the little things about a person is important too.  Do they like to cook or eat out?  Do they want to have kids?  All those types of questions are helpful in getting to know a person.

Ok. Obviously certain things are easier to get to know than others, so how do we get to know the harder things?  John Van Epp came up with another formula:  T+T+T=Know. The three T’s are Time, Talk, and Togetherness.  Often people only use one or two of the T’s and then are surprised months later to find out that they didn’t really know the person like they thought.

The truth is that it takes time.  Anyone can act a certain way for a short time period.  It is easy to put your best foot forward when trying to impress someone.  John Van Epp says it takes a minimum of ninety days to start to see patterns in a person.  If a person says they are not an angry person, how else are you going to know if that is true unless you see it tested out?  If over an extended period of time you see that they don’t have anger problems, then they probably were telling the truth.

This is a very tricky question.  Many would say, “Yes!” Others would say that it is nearly impossible.  After reading a few different articles I have come to some interesting conclusions.  In my opinion it is possible, but you must be very careful and keep your eyes open.  When I look back at my own relationships I can see many different instances when I missed signs that one of my guy friends had fallen for me, or worse that I had fallen for one of them. Now sometimes both friends fall for each other, but sometimes only one person falls for the other.  What about the friends who just want to stay friends?  Hopefully this will be a good guide to those of you who are friends with someone of the opposite sex and want to keep the friendship just that, because I think that healthy relationships with the opposite sex are an excellent thing!

I have quite a few guy friends who I consider to be some of my greatest friends.  When I look back at my relationships with them I am surprised to see some of the healthy patterns I had with them that made our relationships so strong.  The first pattern I see is good communication.  With all of my successful friendships there has always been good communication.  We talked throughout our relationship about where we were in the relationship..  Often my guy friends would tell me how much they appreciated me as a friend — just a friend.  I even remember helping many of them plan dates with the girls that they were interested in.  With two of my guy friends we made promises to each other to always be honest if we ever developed feelings for each other; that way we wouldn’t be worrying about it.

The second pattern I see is how we spent our time together.  We would do things often in groups and not act exclusive, like couples do.  We were always inviting others along when we were hanging out because the more the merrier, right?

A third pattern I saw was that we really respected each other.  We all worked really hard to treat each other equally and carefully in order to avoid leading each other on.  This meant that we didn’t do things like cuddle, hold hands, talk about how the other person looks, or talk every second of the day like many couples do.

These are only a few patterns that I have thought of, but I can see how helpful they were to me in my friendships.  Friendship takes work, but with that work, beautiful relationships are formed! When you think of your friend, think, “Would you treat this person this way even if you were dating someone else?”  For instance, when I had a boyfriend I felt perfectly fine going to my guy friend’s birthday party.  However, I did not feel fine about texting another guy on a regular basis.

So in conclusion, I believe that girls and guys can be friends, but you just have to be careful.  It’s important to have good communication, spend time together in groups as friends, and be careful to not lead the other person on.  Now obviously there is no universal rule because all people and relationships are different, but hopefully this helps a little to those of you who were wondering if friendship with the opposite sex were possible.

When I was in college I dated a wonderful guy.  He was kind, funny, faithful, and caring.  He was exactly the type of guy that I always hoped I would date in college.  He seemed to say all of the right things.  After dating for sometime he ended up telling me that he loved me.  I remember feeling like I was on top of the world because I, too, loved him.  We eventually started talking about marriage and he told me that he was 100% committed to me.  I remember calling my mom and telling her all about our plans to hopefully spend our lives together.  However, after a year and a half of dating, he broke up with me.  He told me how great he thought I was and that it had nothing to do with me.  He said he just wasn’t sure that he was ready and he wasn’t sure how he felt about me anymore.  To say the least, I was devastated.  Even though we had a good relationship with no regrets I remember feeling almost silly for believing that my fairytale could come true.

Now months later, I have come a long way.  I am very excited about someday meeting the man of my dreams, but I have learned that I am going to have to be very careful along the way.  My college boyfriend never meant to hurt me and had good intentions, but he was just not careful with his promises.  He should have never used words like forever or always — he may have “felt” like he could use them, but since he wasn’t ready to back up his feelings by proposing, he obviously wasn’t really ready to say them. Now my advice is to be very careful with what you say to others.  If you are dating someone and feel that you really do love them, that doesn’t mean in that moment you should promise your life to them.  I would encourage you to show them true love by protecting them from future hurt – hurt that you might cause if you promise one thing, but change your mind. There are many other ways to show a person you love them, like writing them a note, buying them their favorite candy, or just going on a walk with them.  I always tell my friends to not tell their boyfriend or girlfriend a promise until they are ready to go through with it right then.

I have an example of a friend who did it right.  This guy really liked my friend.  They started dating and a year and a half later he still had not told her that he loved her.  She kept wondering why he wasn’t telling her.  Well, one day he got down on one knee, proposed, and told her for the first time that he loved her.  She asked him why he waited until now and he responded by saying, “To me, love means being able to commit my entire life to you.”  And so he did and they have been happily married for 6 years and just had their first baby boy.

Be careful with what you promise.  Make sure to really think about whether or not you are going to go through with your promises so that you don’t end up hurting a person you care about.  If you really love someone and want to tell them, you can’t go wrong with waiting and being patient because if you really love them, you will still love them later on.

This is a tough situation to be in.  If I were in this situation I would kindly tell them to stop making jokes about me.  I would do my best to be as honest as possible and let them know that it really hurts my feelings.  If they are good friends then they will stop.  If they continuing making jokes then it may be time for you to find some different friends to spend your time with.  You want to have friends that will be uplifting and encouraging to you.  Do your best to surround yourself with friends that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.  No one should have to endure being made fun of, especially by people who call you their friend.